In this faux-serious report, Morgan Kennedy launches an investigation into the peculiar phenomenon of multitasking in educational settings. With wry humor, Kennedy dissects the absurdity of students who simultaneously juggle a chemistry lecture, two podcasts, and a Twitter feed, presenting this as a carefully orchestrated (albeit ridiculous) strategy for success. The irony-laden narrative traces a satirical trajectory from the invention of the smartphone (harbinger of intellectual chaos) to the 'prestigious' students who claim to learn best amid digital mayhem. Using lavish hyperbole and witty parentheticals, Kennedy subverts the notion that more is always better when it comes to learning.